Welp, I've migrated to Hugo now!
After moments of migration, and hours of editing, I've migrated to a new blog engine: Hugo. Now the entire blog is statically generated, with some client side scripts.
This means that nobody is hopefully going to be able to lump me into the category of Stupid WordPress Owner now.
Well, for one thing, the damn thing still doesn't have signature verification on updates, so api.wordpress.com is still a single point of failure for 27% of the world's web sites.