I seem to be going off on tangents a lot lately, my mind is going 90 miles an hour, every which way. People keep giving me more ideas for things I should be doing, adding to my plate more and more crap I may or may not finish, or even start, for that matter. And now I’m thinking randomly about sexual things at the worst times, wishing I could be doing things to someone in person, right now. It may be my medication, except I’ve been happily medicated by the same crap for six years now, until over a year ago when my doctor decided to switch me to some newer still-patented medication, which seemed to work out okay for a while, then she switched me to another medication that would put me to sleep on the spot within an hour of taking it, which I had to do twice daily. I became restless and combative after taking that for less than a week, so I switched back to my first medication, which I thankfully still had a backlog of, which lasted me until I got to see my doctor again and asked her to switch me back to it permanently.
Things have been different since switching back to this medication. Now, I get tired and feel my will to do anything productive completely drain away within two hours of taking it, and if I do manage to make myself get ready for bed, take my sleeping medication, and go to sleep in my bed proper, I sleep for roughly 12 hours, regardless of how long I stayed awake. And when I finally do wake up, I don’t feel like getting up for almost an hour, lying there in bed, absorbed in my thoughts. I think of things I did or people I conversed with the previous day, and imagine lengthy conversation scenarios, instead of actually getting up and having real conversations.
And none of the medications I’m currently on are really helping with my apparent crippling social anxiety. I really should talk with my doctor more about this shit, except half the time I can’t understand a fucking word she’s saying, because she speaks quickly in a very thick Asian accent. And I’d rather not tell the clinic that I want to be switched to a different doctor, because it seems the only time they ever do that, like the last two times, is because my existing doctor is moving to a different clinic or for other reasons that they have to drop all of their patients. And it’s not like I’m paying top dollar for my care, just sub-$100 based on my income, per year.
They’ve suggested group therapy a few times, but I don’t think I could talk about a lot of the things that are bothering me in front of 10-20 other people with varying mental problems. Yeah, I totally want to tell a bunch of strange people in person that now, more than ever, I totally crave the cock. I want one shoved in my mouth right this very second. And maybe in my ass as well. Both at once would be a bonus. Oh, and I’m infatuated with all things about the furry fandom, from cutesy drawings to anyone with a cutesy Internet handle that either makes them look like a furry, or through Google searches reveals them to be one. Yeah, I don’t want to talk about that face to face without having some sense that the people I’m talking with can relate in any way.
Oh yeah, treading on water here posting this on a page that’s readily Google indexed. Don’t really want extended family seeing this, but hey, they’re bound to discover it some day. The thrill of risking exposure, that’s another thing that gets me off. Maybe there’s a magic pill that can fix that, too.